Broken when I started.. Broken when I start again..

Hello blog.. it’s been a long time hasn’t it?.. I was hoping so much that when I came back here.. I could fill my pages with happy things.. That I had taken a step in a brighter direction and finally felt at peace with life..

I was wrong..

I’m more broken than ever..

And the tears just come in waterfalls and it’s so hard to focus my eyes on a single thing..

I sit here at my desk.. and somehow the sun casting down on me from the window above.. hits right through me.. Like the sadness that surrounds me is so dark.. no light could ever make it through..

One step forward.. 10 steps back.. I’m so tired of wasted devotion..

My heart being crushed into fine dust on the floor and then swept away by the receding feet of the one who left it..

I’ve been dumped and abandoned once again.. But this time has left me comatose.. The tears I shed are heavier.. the slump in my shoulders is lower.. the ache where my heart used to be feels like a steam engine..

I don’t want to sleep.. or eat.. or do anything but sit and try not to cry..

I was so close.. to having a real family.. and now I’m left more alone than when I started..

I apologize for the emo drag of words that I’ve written here.. I honestly can’t put together a single sentence without adding dots of deep sadness..

Unfortunately my first post back doing this is one of true despair.. I can’t be the same person I was when I started this blog.. or even the same person from the last post I made..

I don’t want to be me anymore.. So who knows what that means for any future posts..

yes people say those same old things..

“You’ll be fine. He’s not worth it”

“You’ll find better”

“More fish in the sea”..

But they don’t understand.. they don’t..

This is soul deep.. this is soul to skin deep.. and the last thing I want to hear is the same old thing..

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