Same Garbage, Different Dumpster (First post of the year)


It’s interesting to look back over all the blog posts that I started, but never completed and published. As soon as I read a bit, I remember the mindset I was in, and compare it to right now. See if anything has changed.

Often times, I was depressed when writing the aforementioned post. Where as now, I’m more stable. I still have my depression spells no doubt, but I’ve definitely come far in how I cope with life.

With the New Year in full swing, nearly a month in (jesus), Ive been putting posting here to the background of my “to do” list. I have a habit of repeating tendencies over and over, because it’s like an auto program on repeat.

Circumstances get in the way of lots of things, that’s just life. But the way I prioritize and manage my time, is a train wreck at the best of times. It’s never a skill I really took and polished. Which I kick myself a bit for.

So to hold myself more accountable, I’m gonna post my New Years goals here.

Not Always On Time..

Ah time, you fickle, unrelenting, stubborn beast. It’s nice to blame something other than myself for once. But it’s a half second of ignorant bliss, soon replaced by reality.

I’m just shitty at managing my time.

I get side tracked, spend too much time in a conversation, completely misplace my current responsibilities, and overall end up disappointed by the days end.

SO, in hopes of welcoming routine into my life with open arms, I’ve started waking up at 5-6am.

For a lot of you, that’s every day business as usual. For me, I’m used to getting up at 10 or 11 in the morning. So this is a pretty big step in curbing my tendency to oversleep or stay up too long. So far for the past 3 days I think now, it’s been 5-6am that I get up.

And like a dumbass cat realizing they can chase and kill a mouse, I found the joy in having all that extra time on my plate. I wake up and have my sweet thing with my meds. Drink water. Feed my cats. And then I’m free to choose what happens in the coming hours.

More than anything, it seems my choices are the problem.

After my morning pill take, I tend to get this relapse in energy. Now, I never have much energy to begin with, it’s genuinely the biggest problem I have. More so than my neck and my depression. I hurt my neck more by sleeping to much, I can’t exercise, and that just makes me more depressed.

My eyes just wanna close. To the point where I’m twitching and fighting the action as if it were life and death. I sit down to write, and the process begins. I’ll get a few paragraphs in, and my eyes will feel so heavy it’s like iron on top of steel.

It’s like the act of focusing on what I want my fingers to type, becomes so tedious that my body goes “ok night!”. It’s maddening.

If you’ve made it this far in, you’re probably wondering why I don’t just drink energy drinks or have coffee. The simple answer is- I’m Allergic To Caffeine.

Even as low as green tea can make me sick. It gives me this weird headache and nausea that I can’t shake for hours. So that kinda defeats the purpose of drinking it at all.

I always eat with it, not just some little sweet thing either. A real meal so it doesn’t hit an empty stomach. Doesn’t matter. So, I’ve just chalked that up as “non-compliant”, and resigned myself to being tired,

To say it’s a massive inconvenience would be really cutting too thin. It’s bad enough I can’t eat anything from a cow, or any MSG which is practically all snacks, I can’t get a boost of energy when I need it.

Not even my Adderall gives the kick in the ass I was expecting. I need a much higher dose, but as of right now, it’s out of the question.

As I type this and listen to the howling gusts of wind making their presence known by shaking my house to its foundation and threatening to blow off my garage door, I feel it.

Fucks sake.. can I finish one damn post?

Howling Winds..

For the past few weeks I’ve really been thinking about the few things I wanna accomplish this year. Besides making a schedule and sticking to it, these are the other things I wanna set my sights on completing.

Learn to Draw

Learn to Sing

Start making Jewelry

Travel outside the US

Loose 20lbs

Grow my Twitch account

Get my IUD

Get a New Tattoo

Finish at least 5 games that I’ve already started

Write something Everyday

Blog once a Week at the least

Read at least 2 full books

Develop an exercise regimen

Try an find a way to make money doing something I love. Either, Writing, Art, Making Jewelry, Or Twitch streaming

Become good at at least one new skill I pursue

Make as many people I care for happy

Here’s to the year ahead~ I hope I can come back here at the end of the year and be proud that some of these have been checked off. I’m gonna try my hardest.~

First art piece of the year I’ve made~

I know I’m vastly late at posting this, but I never once forgot or stopped thinking about it. And in this case that counts for a lot because it shows how much I wanna do it.

So here’s to self improvement and fulfilling goals! 🖤

To being better than last year. To growing myself and making myself a more complete woman. To not giving up. ~

So I’ll leave it with- A fresh start is like that first sip of cold water, after a dry nights sleep~

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