What’s up my dudes and lady dudes out there, its been an eventful and time consuming few days. But, I’m back in action, doin my thing, ready to update, pervinate, sensuate, and illuminate those who pass by this little corner of the blogosphere. (I’m well aware 2 of those words I just used aren’t real words, but gotta go with the flow aye?)
Blind to it
I wanted to talk about who I idolized and looked to for body inspiration as a teen.
I got on this ramble to the past when speaking to a good friend of mine about my body dysmorphia. He has the same thing and we both struggle badly with how we see ourselves.
He’s a strong, handsome, powerlifter, and I’m a curvy girl with some sensual assets. Even though we both see each other as very attractive, we see ourselves as garbage.
Even with a bf who adores him, and me with being told that I’m “sexy” and “beautiful” by some people, it’s like him and I are blind to it.
Starting at the bottom
Mine goes far beyond the typical female self judging and insecurities.
As women I’m pretty sure we’re all born insecure, it’s like in the code of our DNA. We could look like a supermodel hand molded by the goddesses themselves, and still pick ourselves apart and focus on the things we see as “flaws”.
It’s sad. It really is. And I say that with the upmost sincerity.
The attachments of our eyes to our brain, is coated in a film of “SCM”- Self Criticizing Membranes. It burrows into the cells and creates a film over our eyeballs, an added layer. It distorts how we see ourselves when reflected in a mirror or picture.
That layer is hyper sensitive to any and all “flaws” that our body has. Our brain runs over whoever in our mind we’ve associated with “perfection” and cross compare ourselves to them.
And you already know where it goes from here, right down the crapper of fucked self perception.
We agonize over the shape of our nails, the length of our eyelashes, the shine of our hair, the thickness of our eyebrows. Down to the tiniest freckle, we can scrutinize.
Our eyes are the unforgiving microscope that is never satisfied, all due to that added layer of distortion.
Our partner or BFF toss a genuine compliment our way and we internally cluck out a patronizing “HA”. We deny it like we’ve just been accused of blacking out and eating an entire cake for grandmas birthday, and so the cycle perpetuates.
I say “we” because I think a lot of people can relate to this.
When I was in my early teens, I was anorexic. I barely ate and survived on chicken noodle soup and popcorn. We were poor as well which didn’t help, but I made damn sure I ate as little as possible.
I was tiny, and people would always point out how thin I was and yet, I would look in the mirror and be disgusted by how “unwomanly” my body was. I had no boobs, no hips, the body of a prepubescent boy I thought.
It didn’t help that my mom commented that I had a boys body too.
Now I’ll get into who I idolized in my little teenybopper head.
Christina Aguilera. The one and only.
And that song, that video, was my goal to emulate.
*Now, I wanna pause and say that this is not a bashing of celebrities and how they are presented. Or a classic trope of blaming the entertainment industry for how I see myself now. This is just a look back into what influenced me the most and how it imprinted itself into my SCM.*
Good god, this video was straight fire. Not only did I love the song, but she was a raw sexy grunge dream, and I wanted that look too.
Not gonna beat around the bush either, I would have banged her day and night given the privilege. She was just so damn hot.
I watched this video on repeat, studying her moves and how seductive she danced. Each outfit and how I wished I could pull off the same.
I focused a lot on her stomach, that stomach was as flat as a cheeseboard and I lusted for it.
I wanted to be confident and not give a fuck. To feel sexy and like a badass. To have any eyes I wanted, directly on me.
Hitting it Home
Obviously, no matter what I did, I would never have her body, because I’m simply not her. I was the shy and skinny little thing who hid herself away. I didn’t have confidence in myself. And no matter what I wore or did with my hair or was told was nice about myself, it just wasn’t in me to see.
Eventually my body did bloom due to various reasons, and suddenly I traded in a skinny boney stomach, for bigger boobs. A layer of fat formed on my middle and the tiny gap between my thighs, closed. My ass grew in size, my fingers, my arms, it all changed so fast.
Sure I had a more womanly figure, I had the boobs I wanted and this fuller curvier body. But yet again, I just saw flaws, but now, worse than ever.
You see, as a teen, it was drilled into my brain that curves are “fat” and skinny is “sexy and beautiful”. Christina who I idolized, was skinny, she was beautiful, guys fawned over her. And now, due to past programming, I now saw myself as “fat”.
Bad to Worse
My self perception got worse and worse, but unfortunately, my outer body wasn’t the only thing to change. Inside, I could no longer get away with eating next to nothing. If I did, I would get a massive migraine and super sick, bed ridden. I couldn’t use that tactic anymore. Which made me more frustrated.
It got to the point where I refused to leave the house, no pictures, no nothing . I wore big sweaters, multiple layers, anything to hide the disgust I saw of myself.
Due to an injury, I couldn’t work out how I wanted. I got xrays, MRI, saw surgeons, specialists, physical therapy, chiropractic, nothing stuck. And to this day, I suffer with this pain.
Now I’m not saying all this as an excuse for my self perception or to pity me. I’m just going in-depth about how I got to the point I’m at.
Through the Rain
I had and still have, horrible depression and anxiety that I take meds for. But after getting help. Finding out what food I’m allergic to and avoiding them, I’ve become a bit better about myself. I can actually take a picture and show my face. Just rarely my body.
I eat very limited and do strength training. Yet still the fat on me persists. So I’m gonna have to start running a couple days a week.
I hide my stomach at every possible point, I refuse to show it bare in any photo, I refuse to take photos reflected in a mirror.
The strange thing is, I only hold myself to these ridiculous standards. When I see other girls who are curvy, I find them to be extremely sexy. More sexy than thinner girls.
I see the beauty in others, but not in myself.
I wouldn’t say that I have a terrible case of body dysmorphia, but it’s bad enough that if I even show my stomach a little bit, I have a full on panic attack.
This stressing is having the opposite effect of what I want which is to get a bit more fit and lose a few pounds. Stress fucks up everything.
Everyday it’s try
My body evolution and who inspires me now versus back then, has evolved into something much more body positive. But every day it takes trying, it takes showing people you trust a little bit more of yourself each time. And it takes knowing you aren’t what the bully in your head screams that you are.
Skinny or curvy, strive for healthy.
Not to look like someone else, or be a person other than yourself. There’s only one of you on this planet, be proud of your individuality.
Be the version of yourself you wish you could be. It’s not just a wish, it’s entirely possible. Don’t give up.
Christina may be bae in this video, but these are not archetypes to base yourself on. This is lighting, and make up, and editing, and photoshop. They have help. And strip away all these extra helpers and they look vastly more believable. Still beautiful, but it’s that natural beauty that in my opinion is far more gorgeous.
This is my current body love ~
😻😻😻😻 She is a curvy dreamboat~
I just saw that I reached 100 followers!! Next post will be dedicated to that! Thanks so much guys!
So I’ll leave it with- The “imperfections” in you are perfect 💋