It’s Just Me..

I feel like the way I am is the wrong way, and that’s why no one stays with me..

I hate crying.. I hate anger.. I feel like all I’m meant to do in life is screw up any potential happiness I might have.. Self sabotaging my future, crippling myself before the finish line..

The fly that’s driven me from the light of my desk, into the darkness of my claustrophobic living room, doesn’t realize the victory it has..

Not only did I fail to rid myself of it, it’s pushed me to the brink of utter reclusion into the black shadows of my lonely home..

Something that small and insignificant is enough to break the Great Wall of resolve I felt I had..

Now look at the mess I am.. I try so hard every day not to hate myself.. and it’s times like this I’m ready to just let that noose of hate tie around my neck..

I fail and I fail and I fail.. In the end I’m always right back at this spot in the dark.. Silent words in a lonely room..

It’s ok to admit you’re not happy.. It’s ok to admit you’re too tired to fight today and need a rest.. It’s ok to cry on your couch at 2 in the morning and wanna break every plate and glass in the house.. It’s ok.. It’s ok to say enough

I’m vastly more fragile than I realize, even solid stone can crack under the weight of too many suppressors..

The ceiling is a mess of shadows.. Shapes that don’t make sense in a mind that can’t focus..

My stomach is a ball, my nerves are shot, my head aches with swollen tension..

My lungs don’t wanna take in air, as if they are already drowning in sadness..

I can’t bare to see the words of another person.. I can’t bare to try and lift my voice to be more cheery..

Just let the world pause for me for a while.. Please.. I don’t wanna think about my life..

Sorry this is just mopey emo musings from a broken drowning girl.. This is the side of me I try not to show..

I can’t be me.. For once I just wanna be what everyone wants, so finally I can be embraced and told I’m enough..

Sadness is the rain that floods the streets..

Sadness is the waves that crash against the land when a hurricane hits..

Sadness is the sky turned black from the hell of a tornado..

Sadness is the one last leaf on a dying tree..

And you know that your own sadness is a part of these things.. It’s those drops of water.. It’s the life torn from the earth by the brutal wind..

It’s you letting go of the happy facade you paint for the world..

I can pick apart the broken pieces of my mind and mix them together with the shards of my heart.. A Stained glass mosaic of what once was and what shall not come to pass..

I’m gonna hide away.. I’m gonna curl up on this darkened couch and let the pain of tonight’s newly made memories fade..

Tomorrow I’ll face the disappointments I made.. Watch backs turn and hopes dig their graves..

One more headstone for the damage being myself has displayed.. 🍂

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