It’s nearly 2:30 in afternoon and I’m writing this from the couch that serves as my bed.
It’s been an interesting couple days, I’m in a different head space, but I’m tired of this rollercoaster of emotions.
The constant high and inevitable 10,000 feet drop is just turning my stomach at this point.
People step in and out of our lives so quickly, leaving nothing but dirty footprints on the floor of our heart. Yet the memory machine persists, it makes a memory of them and stores it. Whether you want to remember, or desperately want to forget.
Now more than ever we can lose entire histories in an instant. An entire catalog from the first time you met, to the last sentence spoke, gone in an instant. Maybe I’m crazy for being like this, but if someone makes a big impact on me, if I feel connected to them, I want some proof positive memory of what we had/have. A simple screenshot of something said that touched the inside of my soul. To remember that moment. To remember how I felt.
In one flash, it’s all gone. And you could easily say “well it’s not like you forgot it all, it’s still in your head”. Yeah, it’s in my head, and that’s it. I have no pictures, no solid memories. All trace they ever existed in the world is just gone.
It’s this empty feeling I can’t describe well in words. This mixture of anger and betrayal, this absolutely hollow hole that’s causing the vat of your fragile happiness and hope, to leak out into the darkness below..
And there’s nothing you can do, no way to find them again, no way to reach out and beg them not to close the door and lock it behind them.
I feel this direct blow to my chest, knocking the wind from my lungs and tightening the back of my throat. I wanna scream at them with all the force in my body, demand they never do that to me again.
At the same time, it turns me much colder to everyone. This is what people do when you give them the power to potentially abandon you. You trust they won’t, you trust their word, and they still do it.
And a part of you hates yourself for ever letting them get that close, to do such vast damage.
Am I so easily replaced? So easily left? So easily forgotten? ..
Do I never make an impact on anyone? A lasting impression, an iron memory?..
Up and down, up and down, I hate people..
I don’t give a shit if I’m putting myself first anymore, don’t fucking leave me. Do say one thing and then do another!
Yelling in frustration inside my own head.. Trying to pretend it’s not my fault they left.
That I did something wrong..
And of course, I’m always told that I did nothing wrong by the few people who stay. Yet deep down, I’m looking at myself to blame, as if the notion would give me more comfort.
Sometimes there is no blame to search for, these things are out of our control. But it’s a desperate attempt to find a method amongst the madness.
I met someone the other day, and like a Ghost they’re gone. Some how they made the inner darkness we all have inside us, appealing.
I’d never seen a darkness in someone like I did them. They had the beautiful eyes of a predatory animal. Savage, cold, brutal. Yet I was drawn to them.
A body worth daily worship, a mind so twisted I wanted to be caught in the web. We fit somehow. No matter how jagged and torn the pieces, we fit.
I never wanted to let them go, no matter the sinister aura, no matter the feeling of a black cloud engulfing my being, I desired them.
And in a flash they’re gone..
Leaving not a trace but the memories I desperately try to cling on to.
Was it a dream? Did they really exist? If Demons stalk this earth, they are in the form of beautiful specimens like this individual. Nothing but lust and blood in their eyes.
Yet it’s captivating, and I wasn’t afraid or put off in any way. I wanted to be right there. Laying next to them and feeling what a natural born predators beating heart feels like.
They respected me, held me a massive cut above the rest. And if I were ever going to face Hell itself, I’d want them as my guide.
I want them back..
And now I feel empty, not in the light or the dark, just washed out in cold numbing gray.. ❄️
“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled, was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”……