I think I’m struggling more than I ever have at this point, to find some sort of peace and contentment.
My “love life” is nonexistent, I just don’t have any faith, or desire even, to try anymore with it. Everything with Ryan has really put me off.
Speaking to him yesterday for just a bit, it went how I should have expected, badly. What was the point in him calling me the other weekend? In him asking me not to delete my SC? I guess it was all just in my head to have hope.
Sometimes when people are drinking, the things they say are what they really feel. And other times it’s just random crap they don’t mean. With him, it’s hard to tell, he asked me last time we spoke on discord, if I still loved him. I said “yes, I do”, I can’t remember his reply but, it felt like he was surprised and maybe even a bit happy.
When he’s hiding behind a screen, he’s much more vicious, he doesn’t have to hear my voice or face me, so he just says what he wants. ‘A’ was the same way. Like the screen somehow protects them from the reactions of the hurt people feel when faced with their mean words.
I don’t have that feeling, it’s difficult for me to be outright mean. I feel like most of these times it’s just uncalled for. It’s like you become a punching bag for all the crap they can’t deal with themselves.
I’ve gotten to where I genuinely hate texting when it’s about something serious. You can’t hear tone, you can’t hear feeling, everything just comes off as cold. People take things the wrong way, and it just ends up a mess.
If you can’t speak face to face, you gotta at least do voice to voice.
I’m laying here so unbelievably tired. I don’t wanna move for anything. I don’t wanna talk to anyone, interact, just lay here.
Do I still love Ryan? I guess you could say, unfortunately?
To what point though? Ah isn’t that the question?
The answer is- Because when I say I love someone, I mean it. I mean it through and through. And I guess others can just turn it off like a faucet, move on to another source, but I can’t.
I’m really sad.. Sad and defeated.
It’s my own fault though, I get attached to people out of reach. I hurt them by not being there fast enough. I do all that I can, and it’s never enough to convince them I’m worth going the distance for..
In my entire life, I’ve never met a guy in my area that was like me or my type. Except one guy which was surprising, but we didn’t technically date. And from what I can tell, I’m not the only one with this problem.
So many people find others like them online, because their area is sorely lacking any.
Why is that such a weird concept to overcome? Why can’t you just have patience for a little bit? Just a few weeks?
If you really care for someone and feel connected to them, buck up and wait. At least then you’ll know you’re deeply bonded and it’s not just physical. You become closer in different ways. But the thing that’s connected us to others outside our towns, has become this runaway train of easy access and quick fixes.
Things have become so much more shallow. You can get on tinder and be matched with tons of people willing to hook up. It’s fast, it’s simple, and it’s temporary. No real work is involved. Sure you might meet some creeps or have a dud date, but if you’re only going at it for one thing, you’ll most likely succeed.
I saw a documentary about Sex and how people have become addicted to this type of thing. Hooking up with different people all the time. No commitment, no bonding, it’s instant. Like going to an ice cream shop and picking a different flavor every day.
I’m not saying all people do this or use it for that purpose. But it’s become steered in that direction. And yet, we have more access to people, but we’re more lonely than ever.
When you take the work out of something, people become used to it, and don’t wanna go back to even a sliver of work. It’s like a program that becomes set on a loop.
There’s no winning at this unless you change the program.
I see so many “taken” people who look unhappy, so many single people who look lonely.
The worth of a person has become measured by how fast you can touch them.
And if it’s gonna be even a short wait, that program will kick in, and you’ll be on to the next.
I don’t think life was meant to be this way. It’s funny how something can be a open door to other parts of the world. But also the thing that’s shredding it.
So I’ll leave it with- If I said I wasn’t ok, would you spell out your feelings in permanent ink?