Waking up in my darkened room, gray skies cast a somber shadow over the walls. A slight glaze over my eyes as I stare up at the ceiling. I feel weightless, I feel unbound, why do I have to move again. Days recounted in black and white memory, playing like a film behind my eyes. Watching the people pass by, living their lives, the shadows of the men in front of me eclipsing my own. The girls play with their long hair, wearing make up like a second face to preserve the fragility within. Here I sit, a one man army, no armor, no shield, exposed to the passer by like a beckon of torment and raging hatred.
The sting of my cigarette smoke blowing into my eyes, wincing, refusing to let a single shred of pain fall. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” They ask us like it’s a fun little game of make believe. The voices chime in, “a Vet!” “A fire fighter!” “A model!”, but I remain silent. I’m not like them, I never will be, the weight that I carry, trying so desperately to bury, disgust at their carefree aesthetic.
If I scream the sound won’t be what I want, my reflection a mocking cynical beast taking pleasure in my rage as if it were a living entity. Don’t say you understand, you don’t. Don’t say you love me, you can’t. Don’t put my bad days with your insecurities, it’s lies. For all the loss I’ve felt, betrayal marks I’ve gained, given trust thrown back at me turned into a sharp weapon of disdain. I don’t wanna be me.. alone in this war I can never defeat. Even my shadow mocks me taking aim when I’m weak..
The perpetual gray lays over me like a blanket made up of yesterday’s disappointments. I’m weightless, listless, the day before me clawing at the safety net I’m curled up in. Time passes, days adding up to another year living in a state of monotone colorless solitude. The question of “why me” not withstanding, I sit up, feel the cold air hit my skin, swallow the hate and agony within, smile for my mother, caress my sisters hair. The day is waiting, confidence wavering, when will the change finally begin..🍂🍁