A Different Side of Me..(Mature)

So, I’m very very hesitant to speak about this just because of the fear of judgement. It’s very personal to me and I don’t really want to speak about it elsewhere. Writing helps me get myself centered and kind of focus my mind, so this is the best way to self reflect.

Let’s hope no one calls me names or takes this as some sort of “invitation”.


Sex is something that’s a part of most of our lives, its a deep and soulful thing. But, I think in our quick fix, instant oatmeal, social media driven society, it’s lost some of its meaning and become very saturated. Just like the word “love”, but that’s a whole other topic for another post.

I’m not shy talking about sexual things, I actually find it quite fascinating. I like hearing about the different fetish types, different kinks, different toys. I approach it maturely and I don’t think it’s something people need to be afraid to talk about. Which brings be to a major point I wanna make.


My whole reason for the hesitation of speaking about this is because, I feel as though when a woman talks openly about sex, she can be labeled a “slut”. Or that she’s “asking for it” or “wants attention from guys”. We are judged more harshly talking openly about sex than men are.

It’s really frustrating, because I just wanna speak openly about my own thoughts and experiences without being seen as something I’m not.

In my entire life, I’ve only had sex with 2 men. And both I was dating for a long time.

That’s my experience, my life, and I’m not about to pass judgement on someone else’s sexual experiences. Having an open mind and really listening to people, to me, is how more people need to be. Instead of adding labels right off the bat.

Your life belongs to you, and what you choose to do is your business, as long as it’s not hurting anyone or any animals.


Now that that’s outta the way, I’ll get into the meat of the topic.

I’m currently single, and it’s been a while since I’ve been with a guy. I would consider myself a very sexual person in the sense that I watch lots of Hentai, take my little “breaks” to myself, and talk about it with people I meet. All on a daily basis. Doing the actual act I obviously don’t.

But I bring all this up because, something I really seem to have a fetish for, is helping guys get off. Knowing that I’m the one turning them on and making them feel good is just amazing to me.

Not just any guy mind you, only guys who I click with and we just kinda naturally get into it.


I’ve done it quite a few times now with guys I’ve met on IG. I guess to some guys I’m considered sexy and “alluring”, and they respond to my open personality and nerdy interests.

I’m not gonna deny, I like doing this.. I did it 3 times yesterday, with 2 guys I know, and 1 I just met. The guy I just met is without a doubt my type, confident, grungy, loves horror and anime. Full package. Not to mention sexy as all hell. We started talking about what we would do if we were in the same room together right then and yeah, it got hot.

He writes well and damn I was into it, I didn’t wanna stop.


The problem now arises. Was this just a one off? Will he be interested in speaking to me again? How does he see me now that we took it this far?

When I’m into the moment I don’t think as much on these questions, but they do pop into my head before we start on that path. I like this guy, so I don’t want him seeing me as some personal pornstar who’s only good for a jack off when they’re horny.

I’m single remember, and these guys are as well, I never speak to taken guys. So when we click, I don’t want it to just be for sex stuff.

I know what you might me thinking at this point, “well don’t just start talking about sex right away, don’t flirt, don’t even mention sex.” And yes I understand that thought, but you see I have a fetish for this, so my hormones kick in and I just don’t care in that moment. I want them and they want me.


Perhaps this is all due to being so sex deprived physically, the desire to be touched and taken in the ways that I speak about to these guys. I think it’s half and half. I want that physical aspect, but I also just get extremely turned on by knowing a guy is jerking off to me.

I suppose this is a fetish in the way that people like anal or DDLG (cough).

I like this new guy I met yesterday, even though as far as I can tell he’s missing 2 key aspects I want in a bf haha.

Those being-

An accent- British/German/Dutch etc

Playing guitar/singing

But again, who knows if he’ll stick around. If he now sees me as Just some horny chick who only wants sex. If so, then I doubt he’ll be interested in me for anything besides that, let alone becoming close.


This whole issue is a real Catch 22. I guess you could say I shoot myself in the foot right out the gate with these guys. My self control isn’t the best when my hormones are involved.

If I actually had a bf then I obviously wouldn’t be doing this, but I don’t so I just keep going with it. But as much as I want that sexual aspect, watching them get off to me, I also want the potential to be there for becoming closer.


When a guy sends me a video of himself jerking off to me, I lose all my inhibitions. My stomach gets butterflies, I bite my lip, squeeze my legs together. To know I’m turning them on that much, that they feel good because of me, I throw all fucks out the window, I wanna watch them finish. Hear them moan. Tell me how good it feels and how badly they want me. It’s amazing.

My desire to please a guy is pretty off the charts aha. That’s probably another fetish altogether.

Hearing a guy moan sends chills down my spine every time, I love it.


Anyway, at the risk of making this any longer, I’ll conclude it. I can perhaps write another post about it, explaining more in-depth my sexual side and nature. Hopefully this doesn’t get a negative response, then maybe I will.

So I’ll leave it with- Cursed to walk alone.. 🍂🍁



#daily #depression #anxiety #new #life #mylife #recovery #art #artist #writer #emo #nerd #otaku #grunge #alternative #indie #mentalhealth #relatable #pain #sadness #deep #live #aquarius #goals #change #aesthetic #edgy #poem #poet #poetry #personal #pansexual #mood #love #feeling #update #recovery #mystyle #edgy #pretty #sex #fetish #mature #gamer #intimacy

10 thoughts on “A Different Side of Me..(Mature)

  1. Utsav Raj

    This was amazing! I am quite open about talking about sex as well. Intact, I even wrote an erotica once. XD
    Although I don’t have many people in my life who are this way, and the one person that is, I don’t speak to them as often as I’d like. It’s wonderful that you are this way, though. Be my friend? XD

    Like

    1. rubycynicallyjaded

      Haha, sure we can be friends XD I think my biggest issue is, there’s a big difference between being open about sexual stuff, and being seen as a girl who will just screw anyone, that’s the way I don’t wanna be seen. I’m just not shy having conversations about it, I don’t really understand why people are in the first place tbh 🤔

      Like

      1. Utsav Raj

        Expectations are a pain in the ass. The only thing that I do want from you for sure, is stories of your life. The one thing that is certain is I want to know you better.
        Give me your id if it’s a yes.

        Like

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