I’m in so much pain.. I must sound like such a whiny girl, but I truly am..
Ryan has already moved on.. has someone new..He gets to be happy, he gets to have someone.. And I’m here just sad and alone..
I’m so tired, I’m so cleaned out, so disconnected.. What the fuck was the point of all this?.. Once again I’m sitting here asking myself that. Why the fuck did I meet him? Why the fuck did I try? Give my care? Trust his word? Love him? For what? To end up back at the beginning except 10 feet lower going deeper?..
When you see pictures that say things like “people who are now cold, once cared to much”, it’s the absolute truth.. The ones who need love the most, are the most loveless..
Listen.. I know I’m having a huge emo moment right now, but to anyone who reads this.. I understand you more than you could ever know.. I know what being crushed and used is like.. I know what being lied to by someone you love is like.. Having depression and still giving it your best every day.. but no one wants to cut you any slack no matter how much you give them.. I get it.. I get all of it..
So I’ll leave it with-
This is a poem I wrote about him as if from his perspective..
Who I Am-
I wouldn’t know where to start, even if I had a place to begin. I wouldn’t know how to tell you I always lose instead of win. Committed every sin, the will to live wearing so thin, what do you see in me worth putting love in?
Your pieces aren’t faded, covered in rust, you aren’t a self hating mess from every time someone broke your trust. I’m the black tar that’ll swallow your light, I’m the disease festering inside, I’ll pull you down with me, break the walls of your mind.
If you asked, I’d give you my life, maybe it’s not worth much, but if it gave you even just a little more time. Don’t look at me with those eyes, adding fuel to the flames of every ache to make you mine.
Beauty enough to put reason over rhyme, I can’t look away from the warming of your light. You know I’m dead inside, i can’t be everything you like in a guy, you’re the best thing to walk into my life and I made you cry! Why do you still try!? All the flaws I can’t hide.. You still won’t be denied.
You won’t let go.. clutching my hand to your heart. I can feel it beating, releasing, forgiving, a true work of art. “What would you say if I asked you to stay?” You place your forehead against mine and softly relay, “There’s no question to ask, no thoughts to hesitate, as long as you love me, by your side I will wait.”
What force thought I was worthy of this fate? She rubs my head when it aches, gives me all she has when I can’t take the pain. Flowers shouldn’t grow in gardens of hate, but she brings the suns rays through the thick skies of gray.
I can’t help but smile at the flow you create, you smooth it all out, and I glare with rough edges and spit venom on tape.
“None of these hoes could berate me, got gasoline in my veins. Go ahead and try to take me, my words like a sniper, head shot right into the brain. Watch you decay, worthless fucking disgrace, nothing but bitches invading my space, get the fuck outta my face!”
You steady my bass, wait for my raging waves to change pace, you calm the panic to slow my heart rate. I’ll trip and fall into another mistake, can’t always carry the weight, you stop the shakes, my escape from this messed up place. ~
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