Yesterday wasn’t exactly fun for me, I wanted to tear down so much and just burn it all to ash. I was thinking to myself amidst all this, is it possible, to love someone and hate them at the same time?
If so, is that really love or hate? Or can there be some “perfect” balance where the two coexist in a strange symbiosis?
Hearing Ryan’s new song yesterday, of which he asked me to listen to, after I said that he ruined everything between us. One line in particular stood out, “I told you that I love you, but it wasn’t enough”, now, I’m gonna play devils advocate here for a second and assume that was referring to me. He would probably say it wasn’t, but as if I trust his answers anymore.
No matter how bad Ryan got, or how low he felt, I stuck by him. No matter the angst and emo bs he was throwing at me on any given occasion, I was right there. Because I wanted to be. Because I believe, that when you love someone, you stick with them through good and bad. “If you can’t take me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best”. That’s what I live by. And when other girls told him he was annoying or used him, all I saw was this beautiful guy who’s damaged, but has so much damn potential. I wanna help him, I wanna make him happy. And for a time, I did. For as long as he let me, is a better description.
Maybe he feels he doesn’t deserve happiness, maybe he can’t deal with the pain of me not being there right this second. Maybe he’s afraid to be happy, completely engrossed in his own sadness and can’t see a way out. All of the above? All of the above and then some I’d say.
Yesterday I said that I wanted to break his glasses and throw them into the ocean. And I hoped a shark would eat them so he’d never have any hope of getting them back ever again. In my head I was thinking “I wanna break his nose and his glasses”. Yell at him to knock this shit off. I wanna be by him so badly, to hug him, and to push him against the wall and have him look into my eyes. To know I’m serious. That I don’t want to give up.
I’m so angry and hurt, but I love him too. Seeing him laughing yesterday on his SC story just made me smile. And it pissed me off because I didn’t want to smile. He just has that effect on me. A part of me hates him for the shit he’s done, yet the majority loves his dumbass. I don’t know who to be angry at, him or myself. You can’t help who you love, and I know that now more than ever..
So I’ll leave it with: 0+1=2 2-1=0 🍁🍂
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