I figured I best do this now before I end up playing Pokémon shuffle until I pass with my phone in hand. Today’s been, eh, but what else is new right? I think if a day actually went smoothly and happily it’d be weird. As sad as that is aha. I thought about blogging all day though. It’s my goal to post to my blog at least once a day. Get myself in the habit so it feels weird if I don’t do it.
To be honest, a lot of the time I wish I wasn’t attached to anyone. I didn’t need anyone. I never got lonely or wished for companionship. And a lot of the time, that’s how I am, yet in the back of my mind I still have an itching yearn to be next to someone. Not just anyone though mind you, someone special, truly special who can flow with my vibes and we’re completely simpatico. Who loves me whether I’m there or taking a time to get lost in my own head space. Who will wait for me to come back from my own world and be ready to hear all I thought about. Worth waiting for..
We meet so many people, but rarely a connection. It’s just a passing through as if it’s your life’s airport, some are frequent flyers, others just passing through. Amidst all those travelers, so few stand out from the crowd. All the faces just start to blur and nothing is particularly appealing. Finding someone who is taking the same trip as you, for similar reasons seems like a fantasy laced with a coating of impossibility.
Living solitary was how I grew up, and it was the way I wanted it. I wanted to be in my room, away from my parents, watching anime and fantasizing about being on my own just working on my latest novel. I wanted that freedom, that disassociation with humanity, that solitude where my world was the only world that mattered. Population 1, and well of course, a couple dogs and cats. I hated the feeling of needing anyone. It felt like a weakness, a crutch, something to claw at my freedom and rip it in half.
Though, on those rare nights a white moon turns blue and I have a lover in my world, suddenly I feel a sense of safety I hadn’t before. Someone to stay up with till 3 am talking about anything and everything. Someone to go out at 2am for snacks and a hot coffee. To share a cigarette on the balcony, to experience new things we’ll always remember. To be laced together inside and out. To know they want to be next to me, that that’s where they feel happiest.
Being as deeply well, odd in nature, it’s not a surprise I’m vastly misunderstood by most people. The majority of passers in my airport life are just sick when they’re alone. They hate it, they crave that company, that attention, they feel of another presence right there. It’s not that I don’t understand that feeling, I do, I just pay it no mind and it has little effect over me. Hence that oddity I aforementioned.
I’m a strange bird I like to say, I fly where I want, watch suns set alone on wherever balcony I may be. But if I have a fellow bird with me well, they’ve gotta be of the same feather. That weird shade of color you just can’t quite name. Who will let me soar on the wind, and say I fly beautifully, that they’ll be waiting right there at the end.
So I’ll leave it with- Is it possible to feel both love and freedom at the same time? Or is it just a fantasy I dreamed up in my mind? 🍁🍂
——-#daily #depression #anxiety #new #life #mylife #recovery #art #artist #writer #emo #nerd #otaku #grunge #alternative #grunge #indie #mentalhealth #relatable #pain #sadness #deep #live #aquarius #goals #change #aesthetic #edgy#poet #poetry #personal #love #freedom #thoughts #aquarius #pansexual