Finally, finally I’m back to my blog, it’s been so long and I’ve honestly missed it a lot. But every time I feel like writing a post, something comes up and I have to put it aside ( ˭̴̵̶₎ゝ̻₍˭̴̵̶ )
A lot has happened in the subsequent days since my last post. Losing people, gaining old ones, and losing them again. Redesigning my desk area, trying to find a balance in my daily life, stress and all that jazz.
In my last post that I ended up not publishing, I talked about a new guy I had met named Jordan. Beautiful boy, sexy as all Hell, exact same taste and personality, I felt an instant connection to him. We FaceTimed and the way we looked at each other I’ll never forget. No one has ever looked at me that way before or since. This mixture of desire and soul bonding. But, he wasn’t without his own demons, in the form of depression and self harm. He became more reclusive, more distanced, until he sent me a picture of his arm cut to shreds and bleeding out. After that he ended up in the hospital and cut all ties with me. Blocking me on SC and IG, after texting his number I found out he got back with his ex and that was the end of it. I asked him not to block my number and I haven’t heard from him since. Tbh it really fucked me up for a while, he felt so different yet ended up throwing me out like all the rest before him. 😪 In my heart though, a part of me wants him to come back and start over with me.
Speaking of starting over, ‘A’ messaged me on Skype I’d say about 3 weeks ago or 4 and wanted to reconnect. Saying he missed me and wanted me back in his life, despite having a gf. Long story short, I told him if he ever needed me or wanted to come to me, I’d accept him and be open, and I don’t go back on my word. Everything was fine for the first 2 or 3 weeks, then it divebombed into utter shit again with no provocation. We were discussing me coming to the UK in October, meeting up, missing each other, even Skyping face cam, it was great and I missed him dearly. Then, I told him my feelings about how I can’t seem to make people I care for happy, spilling my guts, and his reply was “go fuck yourself” followed by a block on everything. Can I explain this? No. Am I hurt by it? Yes. And that’s caught up to now. No word in 4 days and no explanation. Typical.
I’m still not speaking to my mother, and my father is walking on thin ice at this point. He keeps begging me to talk to her and bringing up shit she says despite me trying to get away from her shit. I’m exhausted from this.
This just scratches the surface of the layers of piled on oily black stress that cover my body and soul. I’m tired, I’m weak, I’m over this constant borage of relentless emotional abuse. That’s where the balance in life aspect comes in, but I’ll get to that in another post soon. ❄️
So I’ll leave it with: What doesn’t kill you, leaves you wondering why~
#daily #depression #anxiety #life #writer #art #artist #mylife #recovery #grunge #emo #90s #vaporwave #alternative #indie #new #feeling #mood #nerd #otaku #deep #aquarius #unique #blogger