Hecktic Mess Turned Hurricane Hell…

I love writing on this blog and I have no idea why I put it off when I genuinely want to post on it. It’s the one place I feel free to express myself fully. ┐( ˘ 、 ˘ )┌

Things have been on and off from chill to chaos since my last post. I’m still blocking my mothers number, and she’s still not aware of it, she just thinks I’m refusing to speak to her. Every Sunday when my dad drops by he asks me “are you still blocking your mother?”. And I really wish he’d stop. The point was to stop the anxiety, not perpetuate it some other way.

I discovered that I’ve been eating a couple things I’m highly allergic to that I believe is halting my weight loss and pain recovery. My body is always inflamed, so of course I’m gonna have pain. Especially considering how allergic I am to these things. These things being dairy ugh..

Thank goodness I just by a stroke of luck found some oven bake chocolate chip cookies with no dairy that I can eat to satisfy my need for something sweet. I’ve already had to give up cheese ok, I can’t lose my sweets! (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)

Anyway, many people have come and gone lately as well, 2 of them blocking me for absolutely no reason at all.. Well any logical one anyway. A person can turn anything into a reason, but it doesn’t mean it’s a logical one. I don’t understand why though, why go to all that trouble to block me? Was I really so terrible to you? I retract my steps through each of the paths I walked with them, and nowhere can I find a pothole that is worthy of being blocked.

Self reflection isn’t an easy thing, stepping outside yourself and looking in can show you how shitty you really are. That’s why so many people avoid it. They create this bubble and refuse to stop and look from another angle. Because why would you wanna look outside yourself and find that you see nothing? No substance, no depth, no character, no uniqueness, just a blank white slate following the rest of the sheep. Who wants that? Rather be ignorant and happy than face the reality that you really are just like everyone else. A shallow, aimless, uncharacteristic, dull, sheep.

Which makes me wonder, is that the only way to be happy? Sacrificing any individuality for safety in numbers? For feeling like you belong somewhere?

Ugh where am I going with this? Talk about going off on a tangent. ┐( ˘ 、 ˘ )┌

I’ve met new people since my loss of ‘A’, but yet to find any guy or girl who compares to her. For all the flaws she had, I knew deep down she was gonna grow into an amazing person. And I wanted more than anything to go on that journey with her.. It may sound pathetic but, I still hope that once she grows out of this faze that she’ll realize what a companion she had in me and we’ll reconnect. I know we met for a reason, I just refuse to lock that book up and throw away the key forever..

on that note I’ll leave it with- My life belongs to me..🍂

#daily #depression #anxiety #life #writer #art #artist #mylife #recovery #grunge #emo #90s #vaporwave #alternative #indie #new #feeling #mood #nerd #otaku #deep

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