I feel like I tend to always come off so emo in these blog posts. I don’t mean to sound mopey and moody, I guess when I write all my feelings just kinda come out. Tonight being no exception.
I’ve never been a popular girl, with males or females. I’m not bubbly and hyper, I’m not sunshine and sparkles. I’m mellow, laid back, quiet, chill, I don’t draw attention to myself. I can’t fake it, nor do I want to.
I always believed that I don’t wanna be anything but myself because on the rare chance I do meet someone, I want them to like the real me. But it seems like being myself is just a massive deterrent.
People don’t approach me, people easily replace me, people throw me out easier than garbage. I’m always the first one to approach a person. To try and make conversation and get to know them. No one does that to me. I see other people I know getting 15 messages a day from people. Girls getting attention from guys, people wanting to be they’re friend and to know them. Not with me.
I can’t think of a time in my life I was ever approached by people wanting to be my friend. But I’d watch everyone else around me and it’s like getting attention was a given right for them. Nothing has changed. I’m still a pariah.
Now I know the drill, “don’t worry about others, the right person will come along. Just keep being yourself.” I know, and I’m not disputing those things, they’re all true. But inside, like a virus, a complex is building around this issue.
Being rejected, replaced, ignored, you start to wonder, “what the Hell is wrong with me?” I’m not the type to lay blame on others for my short comings. I always blame myself. This is a dangerous habit mind you, because you start to hyper analyze every aspect about yourself you see as ugly or weird.
My worst enemy, worst critic, worst bully, is myself. Low self esteem, piss poor self confidence, and an equal amount of self consciousness to boot. Talk about a breeding ground for disaster. All this self doubt and judgement, tearing myself down, trying to find some invisible flaw that’s turning anyone near me off.
I know this might seem like a pity party, oh I don’t get attention kind of thing, but it’s an honest question I keep asking myself. It’s hard to see yourself on the outside, the way others perceive you. It’s a curiosity of the unknown and an equal fear of if.
So here I am, my inner monologue asking the same question on repeat as if an invisible inner witness is just gonna pop up and answer the question.
“What’s wrong with me?”..
So I’ll leave it with- If you no the game is rigged, go a head and fight dirty.. 🍂
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