I’ve taken a bit of a break from here these past couple days, and I guess a few things have happened.. I’m genuinely not happy and it feels like a lump of coal in my throat each time I breathe..
A lot of people say they hate their family, and some have perfectly good reasons for such statements. But what if you had no family at all? What if all the sudden it was just you standing in the middle of the room alone? Would they still be as bad to you then? For some of you I’m sure they would, some times you just get drawn a bad hand. Others, lack appreciation for what’s always been there, as if it’s a given right.
My mother has never been great, my father has always been neglectful, making sure he did the least amount he could. My mother though, was wildly unstable. Untreated bipolar disorder and a split second temper doesn’t make for an easy person to live with. And even less easy to have as a mother. She would disappear a lot, be gone who knows where and that’d be that. I was and still am afraid of the dark, back then I rarely slept because I felt so vulnerable.
Without dragging up my whole sorted back story, I’ll say a bore the brunt of a lot of her anger at life. Tonight her saying flat out that I ruined her happiness, I ruined her life. Stuff like that tends to sting from the person who gave birth to you. I’m a tough girl, I’ve taken lots of hits, but all this weight balancing at the same time, I’m just tired, so tired..
We don’t choose to be born, we don’t ask to be born, that decision isn’t ours to make. If I knew my being alive would cost this much, I can’t say I’d choose to be born if it was up to me. Maybe “A” and my mom would be happier had I never come into their lives. It may be pointless to ponder on, but in a depression this low, it becomes a mantra your mind just won’t quit on..
So I’ll leave it with- Is this my punishment for a past life I lived?..🍂
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