Sitting here on this bleak Saturday night, listening to true horror stories I’ve heard quite a few times, I reflect on the empty parts of my life.
Trying to make friends is like trying to catch lightning in a bottle. It’s often a miss rather than a hit, and sometimes you just get struck and accomplished nothing. I often, well, 9 out of 10 times have to approach the person first. I’m not a magnet for people like some others out there.
I’ve often wondered if maybe it’s just me, like something is wrong with me and it keeps people from wanting to even bother. Yes I have depression and mental health issues, but I never advertise that when I’m meeting new people. I often keep it to myself unless it’s a particularly bad day and I just word vomit on someone.
I’m stuck between my usual ways of being alone, and the fact that deep down, a part of me wants a bond with someone like I thought I had with “A”. When I was with her in the beginning, I felt true happiness. Like I found something so special and beautiful and rare, that the universe was finally giving me a real life shooting star.
Unfortunately that shooting star struck me right in the heart and caused a permanent hole with devastating destruction. I’m trying to move on, to put these memories in the vault of my past connections. But it’s proving harder than any other person I’ve had a past bond with. Why do I still cling to this hope that it’s not over with her? Am I really that much of a fool?..
At the same time, the angry repressed part of me is just cursing her. How she walked away so smug and gets to have friends and a gf like it’s a given right, and I’m here completely alone. The good get burned and the savage look down on them with a satisfied smirk.
I miss “A”, a lot, I’m still sitting here going over this and over this, and she probably couldn’t care less.. I wonder if she still wears the ring I gave her.. if she ever thinks of me..
it’s a bleak Saturday night, and I’m lamenting my life, wishing she was still by my side..
so I’ll leave it with- Should I still be myself if people don’t like who I am?..🍂
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