It’s been raining in my area for 5 days straight now with no sign of letting up. To say I’m over this gloomy weather would be grossly understating. I used to love days like this, cold fall days with plenty of wind and gray skies, those were my favorites. Now, all this weather does is trigger my depression and beckon me to my bed with a lull like sirens song.
Dragging myself out of bed today was particularly annoying. My cars battery is dead so I can’t ship any orders, and not even the metabolic ass kicking of my drugs to my metabolism is getting me motivated.
After the events last week with ‘A’, Ive been in a perpetual slump. No further harassing has been attempted and it’s been radio silent. I’d imagine she’s past her time of the month and merely sitting smugly on the throne she built out of shit. I’m sure she feels victorious in her own delusion warped way, having degraded my character and thrown insults at me like a deranged monkey in a zoo. I sit here cynically typing this, but I’d be fooling no one if I said I didn’t miss the ‘A’ I met last year.
That ‘A’ was a diamond in 10,000 football fields of pitch black coal. She shown like nothing I’d ever seen. And that was when I saw her, as a “he”. That was when I had the upmost respect and admiration for her. Where I woke up every day excited to hear from her, a feeling I hadn’t felt in years. The grieving process of losing her has taken a toll on me mentally. If I let myself sit to long thinking about her, I slide down into a massively dark slump.
I know this is a cliche thing to say but, my heart died along with her. We give pieces of ourselves to special people over our lives, whether it be partners or close friends. I’ve done that so rarely, that I end up giving massive amounts of myself all at once. Only 3 times now in my life have I felt like I wanted to give the best of me to someone. But this time in particular I feel the most truly hallow. The most deeply scarred.
So as I go lament my life choices in the shower I’ll leave it with- You can’t mend split ends, and you can’t mend the choices you made back then..🍂
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