It’s 7AM and I’m laying here watching the sun slowly rise through my windows. Things have gone back down to cold with ‘A’ since Monday. Any time I feel we break the distance even a little, he pulls back and I’m left wondering. I can’t tell if he just genuinely doesn’t care about being close to me, or if he’s avoiding it since I’m not close, not wanting to get attached to me again.
I was really hoping the ring I gave to him would help break any barriers between us. Call it wishful thinking if you will, but it’s such a deep and meaningful representation of my devotion to him, how could you not feel close to that person? I dunno, maybe I’m living in another dimensional world and it’s just not coinciding with this one.
I’m starting to feel like I’m crazy. Is being devoted to someone who treats you this way at this point, crazy or well just being devoted? I’ve never had someone react to distance this way. I have a long history with long distance friendships/relationships and though yes it is hard at times, it’s not like we’re living on another planet. It’s ironic the one person I want most would have this reaction to distance.
Sometimes life gives you amazing people, but they just don’t happen to be right in your town. It doesn’t make them any less amazing or the connection any less meaningful. Why pass off that person just because they don’t live a 5 minute walk away? In this social media centric world we live in, you’re bound to meet at least one person who you really connect with, who just so happens to be farther away from you. It’s not a weird thing anymore, sure it’s not ideal, but you can make it work while making plans to meet. It’s so hard to make connections these days, and when I do especially, I cherish and devote myself to them.
This whole situation with ‘A’ is making me question all these prior beliefs and certainties I had about connections and distance. It’s again that feeling of being crazy. Is my devotion admirable, or just massively misplaced? Am I crazy for being hurt at the fact that I’ve been completely thrown out and passed over by the one person I want most just because I’m not a stones throw away?
If the universe is trying to teach me a very long painful heart numbing lesson, I wish it’d cut me a little slack. Devotion and loyalty are a rare thing in these times, so why am I being punished for having them towards a certain person? Sleep won’t fix this, but at least for a moment I won’t feel completely hopeless. So I’ll leave it with- ‘A’ is for Asleep, where I’m not Alone in how I think..🍂
#alone #emo #feeling #mood #cantsleep #tired #sad #guessing #thoughts #life #devotion #love #deep #daily #new