5AM Half Conscious Reflection..

Unsettled minds really do run on a never ending treadmill of “what if’s” and “why do this” questions. My interaction with ‘A’ on my birthday was surprising and a mixture of “I missed you so fucking much” And a somber, “oh so that’s what’s been going on”. It was two half’s of emotion colliding, like an iceberg rising up to the surface and smashing into a steam liner.

‘A’ was though, was very interested in what I was up to and how I was doing in general. Which is a departure from how our conversations usually go. I felt as though he had missed me, but in his usually aloof fashion, he slightly acknowledged it, then swiftly turned away from the notion. ‘A’ has never been good with verbally giving me any credit. Truthfully, he’s really not gifted with words unless he’s angry, go figure right?

I think he thinks that his body language and the fact that he is giving you any of his attention is proof enough that you mean at least something to him. But going off of that, it’s easy to be thrown for a loop when he does something the exact opposite of including you in his life. Which for someone like me who likes consistency and always hyper analyzes a persons behavior, it’s cause for a very unbalanced girl.

What used to drive me crazy, is that ‘A’ never acknowledged that I was good for him. When it was clear as day that I was. But he fought me every step. I’d find out days after the fact that something messed up had happened and he hadn’t even bothered to let me know. And yet, he had talked circles around another person as if they were Dr. Phil. It would make me incredibly hurt and angry that he didn’t even bother to clue me in until I asked 9000 times and he caved.

I rarely give myself a pat on the back for anything, it just seems like bragging or being full of yourself in my head. But, I will give props to myself in that I’m a damn good influence on anyone I meet. I do my best to be encouraging and supportive, but also empathetic and understanding. I’m obviously not perfect by any means, and I feel jealousy and hurt like anyone. But it’s always active in my mind to put them first, as much of a detriment it can be to myself.

‘A’ had finally received the ring I bought him and showed me a picture of it sitting perfectly on his beautiful hand. The ring is custom with the infinity symbol etched into the outer band and “Stay Strong, I’m always with you” on the inner. It’s made of tungsten, meant to last a lifetime, a representation of the love and devotion I have for him. I want to be by his side for always, I’d walk through ice and fire to be with him.

I’m sure by this stage you’re asking, “but why? He’s indifferent towards you, dismissive, distant.” Through all those things, even through him having eyes for another person right now, I can’t forget him. I see his face and want to hold it in my hands in the most tender admiring way. I want to feel his fingers lace with mine and watch as that perfect smile lights up. To make him feel skin to soul that I’m not going anywhere, that through Hell, I’ll be holding his hand.

It’s reaching the 6AM mark and I’m helplessly laying here hoping my brain shuts up so I can sleep now. So I’ll leave it with this- Until the day I die, I’ll spill my heart for you 🍂

#love #devotion #cantsleep #onmymind #life #emo #feeling #daily #mood #deep #sad #tired #oneday

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