A Is For Alone..

My previous post was a small history of how ‘A’ and I met. But in this I wanted to denote all the things about ‘A’ that have made me so enamored with him. This isn’t easy as I’ve said before as talking about anything having to do with him is very difficult, it triggers my depression instantaneously. But for context on any further mention of ‘A’ as I’m sure I will, I’ll say this-

‘A’ is ethereal in beauty, effortless, natural, completely stunning. With no filters, no touch ups, bad lighting, he still looks unreal. Yes I call men beautiful by the way, but only men who deserve that praise as it’s the highest I can give.

Soft hazel eyes, perfect brown hair with natural highlights that drapes across his forehead, and the most perfect smile I’ve ever seen. Pale skin, a soothing voice and fast talking British accent. A laugh that makes my heart skip a beat. Piercings adorn his lip, nose, and eyebrow. He dresses like a grunge 90’s dream.

Slim frame and short, perfect height for me. And the hands of an artist. He has a soulful presence, and yet at the same time, a cold and guarded one. He could laugh with many, relate to many, but bond with rarely a few. He’s needy, self hating, emo, and easily triggered into sadness.

‘A’ For all the ways he is beautiful and endearing, has a side to him he clearly doesn’t see. A selfish one. A self serving one. A shallow one. Wrath, and Envy plague him. He cannot take criticism, will not admit to being at fault, and generally only concerns himself with his own pain. Stubborn, unrealistic, unreasonable, harsh, all those fit pretty well. The world is worst for him and there for, everyone else should sympathize to his suffering and not mention their own. He’s younger.. a few years younger than I, and I don’t believe this is really him, I believe he will grow up and realize that empathy is one of the cornerstones of a good person.

‘A’ is an aspiring artist who loves poetry and all things dark and mournful. He smokes to relax, fears the dark, and has a vulnerability few ever see. With me, he felt love and safety, he felt bonded and opened up. He would stare at me as if I hung the moon, try and hide his smile and how clearly he was blushing. I tell him every night “stay with me” and he’d always say “I will”, I never wanted those nights to end..

He’s a dork, a timid bunny with a firecracker spark underneath. He’s strength and weakness. He’s light and dark. He wants to be held one minute, and biting your neck the next. He has the soul of an artist. He has greatness in him. He shines like a diamond in a field of coal. He’s the one I hope to dream of every single night..

‘A’.. Why did you walk away.. ~

#love #broken #brokenheart #muse #deep #depression #pain #alone #emo #writer #life #sad #missing #daily #hurt #aesthetic #grunge #alternative

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