A is for Apathy..

So, as hard as this is going to be for me, I think it’ll be helpful to get this out. This post is about my special person who I’ll refer to as ‘A’.

‘A’ I met last year around August on IG, and the moment I saw him, I was totally captivated. Have you ever seen someone with just an otherworldly beauty? That was me with him. I was in awe of how stunning he is, still am if I’m honest. I had the courage to send him a message and we instantly became friends. We have everything in common from our love of scary things, to our beliefs, to our style. I felt this connection in an instant, and all I wanted to do was keep talking to him.

Let me say that with me, it’s very hard for me to connect to anyone. I’ve been a loner my whole life and rarely do I have the gut feeling that “this person is special, I must know them.” With him it was in spades. I always trust my gut about people and I’ve never been wrong.

‘A’, being a trans guy, ftm, is an absolutely stunning hybrid. He thinks so poorly of himself, and all I wanted was to make him feel as amazing as he actually is. Give him the admiration he deserves. He was happy with me, he smiled with me, he wanted me by his side.

But as fate would so cruelly have it, he is in the UK, a good distance away from me.. I was determined to do all I could until I could get there, to make him feel like I was. Sent videos and gifts, personal things of mine that I cherished, video chat and stare at each other, hear each other’s voice. I was never happier than I was when I was with him..

Unfortunately, there is no happy ending to this, being away from him was just to much.. He wanted me there, needed me there, and because I wasn’t, he found someone else. I told him I’d be there, but it wasn’t enough, and slowly he grew colder and colder towards me. Now to the point where I am just a stranger to him. He doesn’t feel “close” to me, and I’m not worth putting that effort in apparently.

Yet, my feelings remain. All the love and devotion I have, and the keeper of my wasted heart, is his.. I can’t just discard feelings like the wind, feelings are so hard for me to have for anyone. So, when I do have them, it’s to the core. As it stands we aren’t really speaking, he found others and replaced me. To say I’m devastated would be putting it incredibly lightly..

I miss him every single day without fail.. He’s all I want, all I desire, and wants nothing to do with me..So I’ll leave it with this- This bunny is ever safe within me..~

#love #broken #heartbroken #deep #depression #sad #lost #alone #loner #anxiety #life #daily #emo #hurt

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