4am On My Side..

I wish I could say in the days past I’ve somehow managed to take a step forward in recovery, but I’d be lying then.

I woke at 4am today, laying here in a dark living room, just the sound of my fan on high to keep my sanity in place. Monday is my birthday and it goes without saying I have no special plans for it. I have no friends who live near me, and let’s just say my parents are far less “family” than they should be.

Finding out that special person wants nothing to do with me was pretty much the nail in the coffin of that dream.. Because I’m not there, I’m not worthy of their time.. They don’t feel “close” to me.. And no amount of videos, poems, art, gifts, is enough to make them care..

To say I still love them would be putting the heat on mild, not a day goes by I don’t think of them.. It’s hard to even pinpoint what about all this hurts the most..

After seeing my psychiatrist this past Friday, I’ll be trying a new med that I can only hope won’t cause some life threatening purple rash. I don’t mind taking meds to be honest, it’s become so ingrained in my life it’d be weird without it. But after going to see her so long now, I wish I could get to the roots of this suffocating vine called “depression”..

So in conclusion, the person I want most in this world couldn’t care less about me. I consider myself to have no family. My depression is a never ending hedge maze of vines burrowed into my soul. And somehow, I still manage to wake up and long for them, navigating through the vines of my soul. Looking for the root so I can cut it out of me..~

So I’ll leave it with this~ A tired sleep won’t fix

#deep #depression #anxiety #life #pain #relatable #tired #update #trying #broken #heartbroken

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