Writing is the only release I have at this point, which is kind of a shame since it makes all my posts very somber.. The day drags on as usual, and with each hour, my stalker known as depression inches forward. I know night is coming, and I’ll be consumed again. I see my psychiatrist this Friday, I can’t tell if this is all due to circumstance or my near psychotic break a few weeks ago.. But it’s as strong and encompassing as the thickest fog.
I broke down and attempted to talk to that one person. I just couldn’t help it, and I can’t deny that in those moments of back and forth, I was happy and calm just interacting with them.. I feel to them I’m just a cold insensitive bastard who isn’t worth wasting much time on, and yet to me they are this light I’m drawn to and feel soothed in its embrace. I want to be by their side, to hug them so they feel I’m there with them through anything.. At the very least, I want them to hear my voice and know undeniably that I’m on their side..
But when I get down to this level of the day, I’m as fragile as a rose in a tornado.. easily ripped apart by jealously and pain.. I really should isolate myself just to avoid any arguments or negative interactions from this point in the day onward. But if they text me, I’m compelled to reply in an instant. I could write a whole post about this person.. probably 10 if given the motivation aha.. Going 4 days without speaking to them was like withdrawal of the worst kind.. and unfortunately, I didn’t come out the other side any closer to kicking my habit..
I have no set direction of this post, it’s just an in the moment soup pot of emotions and thoughts that are ripping at my insides. I’m scattered and on edge, emo and tired, so I’ll leave it with this- I’m so gifted at finding what I don’t like the most 🍂
#deep # depression #emo #pain #broken #sad #daily #indie #mood #anxiety #lost #heartbroken #feeling #justme #nerd #writer