Can’t be me.. Can’t be them

When doing a blog it’s kind of your diary in a way. A place you go to to vent the pressure inside your heart. Any kind of anguish and heartache I speak of is usually about the same person for me.. I think I’d be fine with 99% of the world turning their backs on me, but when this one person did, it collapsed every level of me I had built up inside. Levels of strength to protect from pain, levels of assertion that I’m going the right way.. All gone in an instant.

I sit here and wonder if I’m crazy, but then again, do crazy people even know they’re crazy? Maybe to them, how they are is normality. If we don’t trust ourselves, that in itself is a form of crazy. Because then each step you make, you agonize over whether it was the right one or not. Back and forth in your head, never really getting any further. Self doubt, is an absolute beast of a madness.

I envy those who have discovered their own version of inner peace.. I can only imagine what a sense of serenity that must be each day.. For all the ways I try and have a “easy come, easy go” approach to life, it’s the attachments I make to certain people that are my inevitable downfall.. And the one I’m stuck on now is the most tormenting I’ve ever had..

If someone doesn’t care about you, are you crazy for still caring about them? I suppose most people would say, “well, don’t care about people who don’t care about you”, and in many cases, they are right. But sometimes we don’t get to choose who our heart decides to latch on to. In my case it’s this one person. I don’t know how to make it stop, the person I’ve become isn’t the one I used to feel confident in..

I can’t be me.. and I don’t know how to be them.. so what am I left with then?

So I’ll leave it with- You’re gonna carry that weight..

#pain #anxiety #broken #brokenheart #life #daily #feeling #emo #deep #depression #new #latenight #cantsleep

6 thoughts on “Can’t be me.. Can’t be them

  1. I know that feeling and though it doesn’t feel like it, time does heal all wounds. You’re never crazy for caring for a person that maybe doesn’t have the same feelings as you. That makes you a great person with incredible empathy. Whenever I feel alone, I watch The Breakfast Club or a movie like it and I realise that everyone feels this way, but the brave ones are the ones who say it out loud. xx

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    1. I appreciate that a lot actually.. Going through what I have been lately, I have so many questions unanswered and I think the pain of it is clouding my ability to calm myself and think. I feel so stressed and tense inside my heart that it’s suffocating. This is a new level of uncertainty I’ve never faced before so it’s scary, if that makes sense?..

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      1. Definitely makes sense!! But if it’s any consolation, none of us know what we’re doing. I understand that feeling of suffocation and I often start to feel numb due to an overload of emotions. Unfortunately there are no right answers, we just have to see what happens and that’s terrifying. But you know those moments in your life when you’ve laughed so hard you’ve cried? Take comfort in knowing there’ll be so many more of those mixed in with some less fun times. I guess I’m trying to say that there’s some rays of sunshine in the dark.

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      2. Having my own mental illness demons, the way you speak sounds like how I do on my positive days aha. I relate to it very much. Having talked myself off the ledge so many times, it’s not really the ledge I’m standing on anymore. It’s more like, being caught between a rock and serrated metal plate. Fear of the unknown didn’t used to bother me, but now due to this person, each day I feel them slip further away, and I wonder if its permanent. I miss them terribly. And yet, they seemingly couldn’t care less. My ledge I guess isn’t stepping off into death, suicide I think is a demon I’ve subdued pretty well. My ledge is just complete emotional collapse I think haha. And no one I know really understands so that doesn’t help either

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      3. What you’re saying resonates so strongly with me too. Seems that we have a lot of similar feelings. I do understand that feeling though, I know I’m just words on the Internet but behind all of that I’m a woman in her 20’s just trying to get by in my life and it helps just knowing there’s people out there like me. I actually think I am nearing a breakdown so I can see the ledge that you’re talking about. We’ll get there, but the journey is really bloody hard.

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      4. I actually had my own mental collapse a couple weeks ago and it wasn’t pretty. But, I don’t really see it as a bad thing. Sure at the time I wanted to break everything and scream into my pillow till my lungs bled, (which I did do). But afterwards, I felt strangely calm, as well as numb and exhausted, but that calm was a welcomed comfort. I know you’re a real person behind the screen, so what you say means way more than you realize. I don’t think it’s easy being the type of people we are, we feel a lot, often want to feel nothing, pull ourselves up each day, push through the pain inside, and yet are still supporting of others. I think it’s a lot easier to be selfish and self centered, which is why most people are. But having depth and self reflection, to me that’s gold in a person.

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