Musing 1: Saturday nights from memories past..

So, this is my first post to this blog, I guess I have two now? I’m not really sure how all this works. I have a free one I made, then I bought the premium version and now have this one too. So I dunno I thought they would just meld together. *shrugs* I’ll figure it out later aha

I’m very tired tonight.. I dunno that it’s the constant painful nagging in my stomach or just being so exhausted from the onslaught of emotional brutality I simply can’t bare staying awake..

I keep thinking about her.. stupidly checking her IG page just to see her face and if she’s updated it. I feel so pathetic and yet wonder if she ever does the same with me.. I’ve never wanted to get inside someone’s head the way I do with her. To know if she thinks about me, misses me, wants to see me, or if I’m just a distant memory now..

I’m so angry at her.. I know she’s younger and clearly still emotionally selfish, being in her position is by no means easy.. But damn it, why me? Why was I the one she pushed away? Why was I the one she replaced? For all the ways she wants to be a guy, she dropped me just like most any other girl I’ve known..

When I don’t understand something someone does to me, it drives me mad just wanting to know why.. I reflect on it, I replay it over and over. Maybe I’m so genuinely nice and caring, they feel like they can disrespect me and I’ll still be there with open arms. That no matter how badly they treat me, my love for them will keep me there. I don’t demand respect, and I’m as forgiving as they come, like their own punching bag that always takes the damage in stride and comes right back..

Or maybe I’m just that easy to dump, no matter the connection I feel we have, they just don’t care about it. My gut has never been wrong about a person, but this is the first time I’m questioning it and it scares me..

So I’ll leave it with this- I’m just a cynically jaded realist with secret hopeless romantic dreams..🍂

#life #emo #broken #heart #indie #new #saturday #daily #alternative

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